THE LIST MAKER

I used to love my lists.  I was a perpetual list maker.  Anytime I had anxiety about what I needed to get done, I'd start making a list and like magic I'd feel better with every word on the paper.  What did I love so much about making lists?  I knew there were others like me in the world, fellow list makers.  There are books, software, websites devoted to listmaking.  Is it an art?  An obsession?  Are list makers simply exerting their super organizational skills?  While I used to think I was wonderfully ontop of things by my act of endless listmaking, I now question my sanity.  You see, I now believe list making really comes down to one core problem, not trusting yourself.

I've recently been engaging in the daily affirmation, "I trust myself!".  These 3 simple words have been very powerful in guiding me through my day, whenever doubt creeps in, or worry starts to simmer.  Sometimes I say it calmly and sometimes I shout it loudly, either way it makes me feel better instantly.  One of my pet pieves about myself was that I was always on the fence.  I could say "yes" or "no" and still believe I was happy.  Decisions made me uneasy.  Trusting that I will make the right decision for myself is marvelously freeing.  When those voices of insecurity enter unannounced and univited into my head, saying the simple phrase "I trust myself" shuts them up.  Try it.  It may work for you! 

So back to what's wrong with list writing.  These lists, I now believe are manifestations of not trusting my instincts or ability to meet my goals.  My lists were fear based, physical representations of what I didn't think I could manage or accomplish. I often would find a lot of comfort as I wrote my lists.  Lists of what to do, what to buy, what to produce, food goals, shopping goals, personal goals, professional goals, who to invite to a party, in what order to do my chores.  The final list would sit there as though to laugh at me and dare me to really do exactly what I had written.  Sometimes I would crumple the list up as soon as I was done writing it and toss it into the garbage pail.  "This is dumb" "I don't need this".  I was right.

Let me just say that I am not referring to the benign grocery list that you carry along to the store so you don't forget the 100 ingredients you need for your barbeque.  Nobody wants to make three trips to the grocery store because you keep forgetting one more thing.  For those hardcore list makers out there who write down every remote task, I'm just suggesting you look at why you do it.  Do you ever notice that people who don't make lists or hate making lists think you are nuts.  Of course you may think these people are scattered brained, unfocused and nuts in their own way, but they are probably quite content admidst their chaos.

I've still had some urges for list writing, in fact I almost needed to write one before writing this blog.  I was going to write down some of my responsibilities this coming week, instead I said these magic words "I trust myself" and suddenly the need to write down go to the bank, clean the house, and call for a haircut seemed utterly unnecessary.

Comments welcome.